Sugar Self

Trigger warning: This post contains an extensive discussion of neglect, abuse, and anorexia.

So sorry, self, soft-candy-self.

Little sugar fingers, asking for love. Little sugar hands asking for up, up, up.

Always no. Little you, too heavy, little you, too big. Little you, too needy.

Lonely little you, so sorry, little you.

Mommy doesn’t let you hear her heartbeat anymore, little you, your head’s too heavy.

Mommy has a secret, little you, her head’s too heavy.

Cotton candy heart, melting in a puddle. Rock candy heart, transplant, little you.

You are lint-covered candy, gross and sticky. You are blood-bought sugar. No one wants soft candy you, hard candy you. Everyone’s cutting calories, cutting sugar, you.

 

The mouths that gnawed on you have cavities now.

Stupid sugar self.

Eating me away, sugar self, you’re bad. Bad for teeth, and bad for me, sugar self. We need you gone, sugar self, you ruin things. You make us fat, you make us ugly. No more sugar for me, sugar self. No more bad for me.

 

So sad, self, soft sugar self.

Sugar in my tea, you make me happy.

Sugar in my everything, now everything tastes good.

Body says give sugar, sugar you. We all need soft sugar self.

Love,

Ossuary