“You’ve Changed.”

Trigger Warning: brief mentions of self harm. "You've changed." God, I hope so. I have not gone through hell and high water to be the same girl I was when I was ten, twelve, fifteen, eighteen. I have not survived through the hellish misery that was my teenage years in order to be the same girl I looked like before. I have not torn the sky in two with my screams in order to be the same girl I once was.

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Bathtub

Warm water, lapping porcelain. Smooth skin, hot. No soap, just salt, water. Sweat in hair, old nail polish. Dip toes in water, sink to stomach. Wet fingers, dry pages, old story. Wrap arms around legs, lean wobbling chest against thighs, breathe. Stomach rolls. Close eyes, listen to breath fill lungs. Safe. Body and mind, connected... Continue Reading →

Caterpillar, Cocooned

Dear small child I once was, Here are things I wish I could have told you and I didn't know how to say. I didn't know I would need to say. Here are things that maybe someone outside of us should have said and didn't. Here are things that I know now, and you are only just learning, small child. 

to my brother 

to my brother, who- stop.  you can't do this to yourself again. you keep running your fingers over his handprint on the basement door as if grazing it will make him feel the heaving in your chest and follow it back home.  you can't do this to yourself again. you keep knocking on the door... Continue Reading →

Happy Pills

i take my Happy Pills each morning punch one out of the blister pack, a swallow of water the white Pill falls down my rabbit hole throat i'm not sure if i like my Happy Pills maybe i'm just a jellyfish, tumbling through the waves and everyone has an opinion on the frothy chaos in... Continue Reading →

“I’m sorry~”

I never saw that coming.  I had scraped out as much closure as I could and I had just decided I would have to move on, that you were never going to see it or say anything and then you did and I have rarely been so glad to be proven wrong but it's left me feeling so strange for these last few days. 

Malaise

You promise your mouth coffee, self, in exchange for surviving this day. Because this day you are seven, one part rage, two parts scared bunny. Shaken, not stirred.

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