to my brother, who- stop. you can't do this to yourself again. you keep running your fingers over his handprint on the basement door as if grazing it will make him feel the heaving in your chest and follow it back home. you can't do this to yourself again. you keep knocking on the door... Continue Reading →
Here is a secret, self, for our ears alone: You are an android, Dreaming. You are an impossibility, Molded, broken, animate.
i take my Happy Pills each morning punch one out of the blister pack, a swallow of water the white Pill falls down my rabbit hole throat i'm not sure if i like my Happy Pills maybe i'm just a jellyfish, tumbling through the waves and everyone has an opinion on the frothy chaos in... Continue Reading →
I never saw that coming. I had scraped out as much closure as I could and I had just decided I would have to move on, that you were never going to see it or say anything and then you did and I have rarely been so glad to be proven wrong but it's left me feeling so strange for these last few days.
You promise your mouth coffee, self, in exchange for surviving this day. Because this day you are seven, one part rage, two parts scared bunny. Shaken, not stirred.
Dear ______, Knowing what to call you is always hard. We were a dream, a tentative question, a curious glance. I scared you, that first time we talked. I don't know how to do small talk, so I dove off the deep end and began talking about God-knows-what. I don't know if you would remember, judging by your stunned silence as you just blinked over at me. You said that was what made me stick in your head, was how irreverent I was to the way things are supposed to be done. My differences that I have hated myself for were what captured your attention - you said avoiding me was impossible.
Trigger warning: This post contains moderate references to depression and extensive references to anorexia and anxiety. It's been a while since the last time I crawled out of the rabbit hole that was my eating disorder. By a while, I mean not long enough. But I've discovered I want to return, feel the damp earth... Continue Reading →