Choose Life

One of the things I’ve been struggling with recently is wanting to die. Depression has been a factor in my life for the past two years, and I have had my ups and downs, and there have been many moments when I have considered taking my own life. So far, the main thing that has stopped me is my friends and family, all the people in my life who love me, and whose hearts I can’t bear to break. But despite the many loving people in my life, I can’t seem to love myself.

Voices run through my head, telling me I’m worthless, that I’m weak, that I’m a burden on the very friends who promise me they love me. The voices convince me that my pain is eternal, that I’m never going to get better, that my chronic illnesses are for life, and that life is no longer worth living as a result.

Sometimes they drown out the other voices, the good voices, until they are the only words I can hear.

But I was thinking about these things yesterday, and the lyrics to the Twenty One Pilots song “Lovely” came to mind. In the song, he pleads, “I’ll pray that one day you see/ The only difference between life and dying/ Is one is trying”. I was struck by this. The voices in my head, in other words, my depression, tell me that I am weak, that I deserve to die, but this is not the truth. Fighting depression and chronic illness takes strength, and my friends try to tell me this every day. I have nodded and smiled and thanked them for their kind words, but it never seemed to stick, but the truth is every day you fight an illness like depression, or anxiety, or chronic illnesses or chronic pain, is a day that you are strong. You are strong when you turn up to work, or to school. You are strong, even when you don’t. You are strong when you get out of bed, when you have a shower, when you get dressed. You are strong when you smile through the pain, and even when you cry.

And it’s not about bottling up the tears, or the hard feelings, because we are allowed to feel sad; we are allowed to be angry, or frustrated, or in pain. Showing emotion is not weak. I often need to let myself feel those emotions. I need to rant to a friend about the pains of the day, the frustrations of a doctor not understanding me or the slow process to getting a diagnosis for something causing me so much pain daily. Our society makes negative emotions feel bad and even shameful, like we are not allowed to feel angry or hurt, because there is always someone who has it worse than us, and who are we to complain. But all our emotions are justified and true, and we are allowed to show them. Sometimes I need help from others, sometimes I need to stay home and refresh, to save up energy for the next day- and it’s not weak- it’s about fighting through every day.

It has been a long journey to believing this on the inside, and there will still be days when I struggle to believe it. I will still feel weak. I will still make mistakes. I am only human, and imperfections are something we all must accept as a part of being human.

Illnesses like depression and anxiety are exhausting, and sometimes we will collapse under the weight. It’s in those moments when I need to let my guards down and let other people help me, to share the burden among friends. Because even though my depression tries to convince me otherwise, my friends love me and do not mind helping me shoulder my burdens. Humans were not built to be alone, and as a result, letting others help you is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength. It is scary telling others about our inner thoughts, our plans, our secrets. It can feel shameful or embarrasing to admit to having depression or thoughts or self-harm or suicide, but it is not. It is not weak to speak. It takes considerable courage to tell others the inner thoughts of our minds, and the stigma in the community that it is anything else but brave is something we need to work on. Speaking out is a pathway to healing.

I read a lot of stories and blogs of people who fight mental illness, and other chronic illnesses, and their stories always inspire me. The way they continue on in the face of so much suffering, the way they spread kindness and love and knowledge.

And I have a longing to be like that too, to use my experiences for the benefit of others going through the same things- to educate, to inspire.

But suicide strips young people of the ability to do that. It would strip me of my ability to leave me mark. As I saw one quote say:

Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse; suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

This is such an important quote to put in here, because, yes, life can be bad. It can be terrible, and it can seem like it is never going to get better, but even in the darkness, we can bring light, to our own lives and to others. It is scientifically proven that helping others makes people feel better.

Suicide would strip me of the chance of getting better, of seeing healing, of being able to look back and see my journey through all the darkness, of seeing how strong all the darkness made me, of seeing what a badass I was, kicking sickness and depression in the butt.

If you are in the same position as I was, as I sometimes still am, wanting to end your life, believe me when I say this: You are loved. You are worth so much. You are so strong, and dying is not worth it. Give yourself a chance to see the good that can come, to see the light, to see the difference you could make in others’ lives if you told your story.

Suicide leaves so much pain behind. I have seen the effects first hand when my best friend left this world.

Choosing to live is the bravest thing you can do. So choose life.

It will be worth it, I promise.

Love, Moondancer.