My first post on this blog was called Who am I? and having this post being a poem by the same name feels like I’ve come full circle.
And in that time, so much has happened. It is as if I have lived an entire lifetime. I am almost a completely different person now.
That is what my poem today speaks about. I wrote it the other night when I was contemplating who I was and what defined me, and in finding the answer, I thought through who I used to be, compared to who I am now. I changed in so many ways, but the experiences I have been through now have allowed me to speak into so many more situations that I would have been able to otherwise.
Here is my poem:
Who am I?
What do I believe in?
What do I live for?
Sometimes I know the answer to these questions, but sometimes I float between the known and unknown, drifting between the possibilities. I do not know how to answer these questions.
Who am I?
What makes me me?
What defines me?
I am not sure. The answers desert me.
Working backwards, I know who I was once, even if I am not her now.
I was once a child, a sparkly high-heel wearing toddler, a child wearing dresses too big for her, tripping up stairs and falling down,
but always getting back up,
always getting back up.
A cycle of rising and falling, a natural cycle of life, rising and falling.
I was once a child covered in sand, rolling in the mud, playing in the dirt, creating concoctions of potions from the plant matter in our garden, hosting tea parties with imaginary occupants, or real life sisters, whichever she could find,
an imagination on fire, nothing impossible,
the world was limitless.
I was once a child climbing trees, chasing the wind, running free,
a girl free from the cares of the world, weightless as a cloud, staring at the moon and imagining herself flying,
flying far away from here.
I was once a child escaping into adventures;
Outside, running into the grass with her sisters, or swinging out over an ocean,
or inside, with one of her favourite books, entranced by the magic, taken in by the way words work together, showing a world bigger than she ever imagined,
she thrived on new knowledge, constantly growing, never stopping.
I was of endless faith, trust unwavering,
I was unshakeable, a tree standing firm, her roots anchored in her beliefs, her faith, her friends, her family,
but then, then,
I was a broken soul, cracks formed in the foundations of my heart and I fell through.
The floor was pulled out from underneath me.
Old scars pulled open, fresh blood coming out.
I was unstable, trying to walk down a beach of loose pebbles, feet slipping, sliding, threatening to make me fall,
one step wrong and I would go down,
and I did go down,
falling to the depths of the darkness.
I was once a light, but my never-ending electricity transformed into a wax candle and the breeze was almost too strong for my flame.
Time and time again, the breeze blew and my flame flickered,
but did not go out.
I had been a child once, but now I felt too old,
an age had passed and heaved weights on my shoulders,
almost beyond what I could hold,
I felt I had gone through more than I could bear,
but I was wrong.
Because we are only given the trials we can handle.
I was strong,
and I took my experiences and built myself a wall, encapsulating myself within its safety.
My flame would not be blown out.
I was strong,
I pulled myself out of the darkness and began patching up the cracks.
Who am I now?
I am rebuilding; I am being renewed.
I am still strong. I found within myself a strength, one I cannot always feel.
Often I feel weak,
but emotions and feelings are not always the truth.
What am I now?
I am healing, I am gathering together my shattered pieces, a new me is forming out of the ashes of the fiery remains.
I am thankful, because even though I did not wish for the darkness, it showed me where the light can shine,
it showed me how you need darkness to truly see the light.
…it is on the darkest nights, that the stars shine their brightest…
…and without the cracks, there is no room for the light to come through…
And light, indeed, did shine.
Who am I? I ask. What do I believe in?
I am many things:
What do I believe in?
I believe in me, and I believe in life,
life worth living.
I hope that you, my lovelies, believe in life too. There is so much light and hope in this world, and maybe you are in darkness, like I was, but I want to just repeat the message that you are not alone in that struggle. You can protect your flame and rebuild. It is worth it, I promise.
Have a wonderful week.