#13reasonswhyimhappy -Bulletproof

The blogger terrymcnude from the blog Virtual Vomit started a lovely blog challenge called ’13 Reasons Why I’m Happy’ in response to the show 13 Reasons Why. They asked others to partake, so here is my go at it.

Trigger Warning: This Post Contains a brief mention of Schizophrenia.

1.) I’m alive

I’m sure that’s probably a given, but a few months ago I was sure I was going to succumb to sickness and pass before the summer did. It was a very real possibility with where I was living, the severity of my disorders, and my overall health declining. I was faced with a very real decision one January night, and I made the right one. That takes me to my next reason.

2.) I’m In University

I made the choice to apply to University after hitting so many dead ends and walls that I was exhausted and had no idea what I was going to do. One of my very best friends encouraged me and helped me through the process and had he not forced my hand to apply that January night, I would probably be gone by this point. Leaving that house and moving away was the biggest life saving choice I’ve ever made and I’m so thankful I did.

3.) My Dear Friends

I’m happy to be alive because I get to witness others. I have some very special and amazing people in my life that no matter how hard things get on my end, I will always want to live for them and get to see what they do. I have so many to thank but this is an anonymous blog so I can’t name them, but they are all a wonderful gift to witness.

4.) My Roommate

I have a fantastic roommate here at university. I’m a unique situation with some of my health complications and I ended up with an incredibly kind and caring man as my roommate. I was so worried about who I’d get and I’m so lucky it was him. He doesn’t get after me for when my OCD acts up or for worrying so much, he doesn’t make me feel bad for being overly apologetic nor does he judge my interests or discriminate against me for my sexuality. He allows me to simply be and that is so much more than most people in my irl relationships so far have allowed me.

5.) My Freedom

I am not in a ward. With the seemingly endless issues I encounter up stairs on a regular biases, one of the biggest things that I am thankful for is my freedom. I work closely with my therapist to assess my mental health very frequently to make sure that it is still in the best interest of those around me and myself for me to be out and about. I am thankful for all of the work they put into helping me live as peaceful and typical of a life as I can, despite the struggles. I’ve been institutionalized before and I do not want to go back, I’m happy I’m alive and free and can still chase my dreams.

6.) My Husband-To-Be

I have the most amazing, dorky dude, in my life that I love endlessly. We’re long distance at the moment since I had to move away for my health, and that breaks my heart. But someday I’m going to marry that young man and happily love him every day for the rest of my life. I wear my engagement ring every day, sleep with one of his silly graphic t-shirts he left behind after visiting, and just imagine the day I’ll get to look at him, tears in my eyes, and say ‘I do’.

7.) A Potential Career Opportunity

After what felt like a hopelessly dead end, I have been given a shot at a fantastic career beginning. I have to pass a performance test, and if I can manage it, I could potentially start off my career as a Tour Guide. I love story telling in all forms, and I come from a tourist town myself, so being involved with vacation related things has always been fun for me. I love helping to create fond memories on people’s vacations, so naturally I was drawn to the tour guide industry. I hope their faith in me hasn’t been misplaced and that I don’t let myself down during the test.

8.) My Mental Illnesses

Let me clarify, I am not happy that I live with Schizophrenia and OCD, nor am I glorifying or romanticizing them in any way. But I am not the person I was December 11th 2016 when I woke up that morning. That person was an entirely different young man, one that was shattered that day when I had my first break. It was hard, total annihilation, but I got through. I’m happier now, I know myself better, I’ve won fights I never imagined I could, and it’s all because I was faced with the adversity of losing my mind. Though it is a bad thing and I’d prefer my life not be riddled with psychosis and washing my hands overandoverandoverandoverandover, I’ve learned a lot. When all else was lost, I saw what I really was underneath it all and through that I have worked hard to be truer to myself. I may still be unsure of what I am, but now I know what I am not.

9.) My Art.

I am happy that I was alive long enough to write the books I have, to paint, draw, sculpt, generate, all of the things that I have. Because even though my life will probably be short, some of those things will outlive me. They may be able to touch people long after I have faded from this world and that thought makes the idea of being terminally ill a little less scary.

10.) Facebook

Okay, bare with me here. It’s cool to hate on social media these days, but honestly I would be utterly alone in this world most of the time without it. Some of the most important people in my life I’ve met over Facebook. We live too far apart to have ever met otherwise. And I can say with absolute certainty that I am smiling right now, that I’m still fighting, that I am who I am, because of those people. Without Facebook, I wouldn’t have them, so I am happy to have it in my life.

11.) Pokemon Go

Yes, yes, get your groan out of the way. In all seriousness, my life is better because of this game. I’ve explored places I would have never found, was apart of it at the start and got to witness the collective fun, and really it’s the exact kind of thing I’ve always wanted. It helped me learn the area of the new city I moved to and has been the pushing force behind so many warm summer night memories and adventures. I’m not much of a gamer, but I will play that game until it goes down or I die, whatever comes first.

12.) This Blog

I’m happy I was alive when this started, when our Fearless Leader brought it into the world. I’m happy I got to be apart of it. I have got to watch the beautiful journeys of the wonderful other writers on this blog, their struggles, triumphs, dreams, pains. I treasure the colors they have shown me for they paint a picture of strength and hope. They took me as I was and showed me that it’s okay to be me. Despite our stark differences, we have also found common ground in seeing that maybe we’re all a little more alike than we’ve been led to believe. I love it here and I’m so honored to be apart of it.

13.) My Life

There are some days that I think otherwise, that perhaps the world would have been better of without me ever gracing it. That the lives of those around me would be better had I never come into them. And while that holds great truth, I still try to add to the world. I’m happy I’m alive so that I can look over my shoulder at my footprints in the sands of time and see what I have done so that when I face forward, I can remember to never do those things again. Maybe if I just keep walking forward long enough the good will outweigh the bad and when my time comes, I can truthfully feel that being born wasn’t so bad after all. Some people never have this chance, to turn it all around and go from villain to anti-hero, to try to make good from the chaos. I’ve known many that fell to the darkness, that died a villain and didn’t live long enough to see themselves become a hero. I’m alive, I have been alive for twenty years, and I plan to stick around for a while longer. I am thankful for the life I have been given and will try to do it justice.

Thank you for your time ❤

Now it’s your turn, fellow writers, dear readers, what are your #13reasonswhyimhappy ?

-Love, Bulletproof-

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