My husband and I have decided to start trying to have a baby.
I’m both terrified and extremely excited.
I debated about posting this on here for a while since it’s different than some of the other topics covered. However, I know there has got to be other people out there who are wanting to have a baby but have fears about it too. You’re not alone, I’m there too. I’ve read so many blog posts about the excitement of starting to try to have a baby, but not very many about the fear/doubt that goes with it. While yes I am very excited, I also still have anxiety, and I tend to overthink things
I also decided to post about it here because this is the only place I feel somewhat comfortable with voicing my thoughts. We’ve decided not to tell my family and friends that we are tying because if they knew I’d feel pressure to get pregnant quickly and I don’t want that.
Since we got engaged we’d always said we would wait until we had been married three or four years before we had a baby. We are exactly in the middle of that time frame right now.
Last year we talked about trying to have a baby but it didn’t feel right yet and then there was the whole Zika thing and it just wasn’t right.
This year though, it’s right. I don’t know how to explain it but I know in my heart that it’s the right time. but if that’s the case then why do I feel so scared?
I know that once we have a baby it will never go back to being “just the two of us.” Even when the baby is with a sitter while we go out to eat, it will be there. In our thoughts, in our heart, in our conversation.
I know that once we have a baby my body will never look like it does now. My heart will never feel like it does now.
I know that once we have a baby I will never sleep the same. For the first months of it’s life I’ll be awoken throughout the night with it’s cries of need. I’m told you never sleep quite as heavily as you do before you have a child that needs you.
I know that once we have a baby my anxiety will increase. I’ll be responsible for the life of someone else. I’ll worry every time it breathes funny or it bumps it’s little head while it learns how to walk.
I know that once we have a baby my time will no longer be my own. My needs will no longer be first. My husband and I will no longer be a family of just two.
My life will no longer be the same.
I can’t explain how much I want that, while it simultaneously scares me.
For today though, I pray, wait, and remind myself that God’s timing is good and if this is His timing it will happen and if not then it won’t. If it’s not His timing yet then I know there must be a good reason. Even if I don’t know it yet.
Peace Will Win