Dear Best Friend,
How long has it been since we spoke? 189 days. What a ridiculous number that is, staring me in the face. My life has totally changed in that time, Best Friend, but no matter what changes one thing never has. I think about you every day, I miss you every day, I hope that you’re okay every day.
But how could you be okay?
You are a rainbow soul like me, trapped behind bars made of religion under the rule of untethered parents who want nothing more than to control and destroy you. “Don’t worry, they love her”, someone once told me. I laughed at that, laughed until it turned into tears that took me to my knees. They love the you they thought you were, not the you that you are. We found this out the day they locked you away. It must have been horrendous, the most painful thing you’ve ever endured. “I’m sure she’ll be fine”, someone else told me. Oh how they know so little, oh how they’ve never been there, oh how I wish I could show even a fraction of this pain to them so that maybe they might understand they have no idea, there’s no way they can know. I’m the only one who knows, the only one you told, exactly why you may not be okay.
Dear Best Friend, I never told you something. How dare I, when you trusted me with your secrets. What an inconsiderate thing for me to do, to never say that I loved you. I did, I do, and I always will, no matter who stands between us or how much time passes. You are like a star with great gravity, pulling me into your wonder with such amazing force that there is no escape. I got close, and when the nova hit I got burned, but it must have been nothing compared to what you’re living through every day. And I say that, even with acknowledging that I literally lost my sanity in the wake of losing you. I live every day trapped in the ever changing maze of Schizophrenia because the stress shattered the crack that destroyed my mind.
But you must have it so much harder.
When you love something so fiercely it becomes apart of your core, it’s only natural that its loss will destroy you. I will never regret loving you so much, but I will always regret never telling you. Now you’re alone in your world, surrounded by the suffocating ideologies of hate, trapped under the oppressive law, stuck in their cage of absolute control.
How dare they hurt you when the one thing you wanted was to never hurt them?
You knew the colors of your heart would hurt them, so you hid them despite how much pain it brought you. You defended them, you loved them, you wanted them to love you. You played a role that you didn’t fit to appease them. You did so much more than I ever did. I set my family on fire with my colors, I raised hell and ran away. I forsook their love, I let them burn that bridge into the river of tears I cried night after night anticipating that fated fallout.
The people trapping you do not deserve you, you are a treasure of immeasurable value, a gift to the universe. How dare they try to taint your colors. How dare they isolate you, how dare they drive you into the darkness, how dare they. The only friend you had there gave up on you, they decided their pain was worth more than you. It makes me livid, knowing that they could have been there for you and refuse to be. If it were me, if we didn’t live so far apart, I’d endure any pain to alleviate yours. I’d stand under fire, I’d smile in the shadow of the evil that has taken you, and I’d show you that no matter what you think, the world is beautiful and you are beautiful and I love you.
Please keep living.
You saw the villain in me, you saw the hate, you saw the dark and unsightly, and you valued it. You saw me for what I truly am in every way and you smiled at me. You, someone of such kindness, beauty, and talent, saw value in me. And for that I will go to war, fight any fight, take anyone down, to protect you.
But I know, Dearest Best Friend, that you can protect yourself. So maybe I’m discrediting you here. Maybe you’re fighting, holding your ground, keeping your colors vivid. Maybe the undying spite we shared, maybe the darkness we saw in each other’s shadows, maybe your vivacious vengeance, will pull you through this. Maybe you’ll be like I remember. Maybe they haven’t broken you, maybe they’ve failed to wash away your colors. I hope I am humbled by how you’ve handled this, I hope I bow to your warrior spirit, happy that I worried for nothing.
Because the alternative is too much to think about.
The sight of your colors bleeding into the floor, the sound of your voice repeating their chants, the thought of your defeat, sends a spike of panic through my blood.
Dear Best Friend, someday I’ll meet you. And no matter what state you’re in, I will always love you. Because unlike those who trapped you, I actually know what the word love means. I will put your pieces back together, and despite all that you’ve seen, I will do my best to convince you to give the world another chance. I’ll take you by the hand, if I’m so allowed, and pull you into the colors of freedom, the quiet air of clarity, the warmth of acceptance.
You are not a sinner, Best Friend, you are not broken or cursed or possessed or an abomination.
You are you, and I am so proud to have met you.
It’s Pride this month, and needless to say, you’re on my mind.
Dear Best Friend, I love you, and I’m sorry I never told you. But I promise that if I ever get to speak to you again, those will be the first words out of my mouth.