Dear, Dad

Trigger warning: This post contains a moderate discussion of family abuse, alcohol, death, and rape.

Dear Dad,

It is a father’s job to teach their child of the world. I’ve watched you all my life, you’re who I was supposed to grow up like. You have presented me with many lessons in the last twenty years.

Here are a few:

Work is hard, but works is necessary to support a family.
So necessary that it must take all of your time and leave you exhausted to the point which you fall asleep stepping inside the front door.

Your spouse is but a wall for you to yell at, never to show love toward.
Holding their hand is forbidden, and you are only allowed to hug them a single time in twenty years.

Emotions are useless, why even bother showing them?
That would mean vulnerability, and a man cannot be vulnerable.
And if he dare utter the words ‘I love you’, shall he burn in the deepest pits of hell.

Your beliefs are concrete, safe from any challenges, never changing.
They are your weapon, swing them around like a drunken blundering troll.

You are right, always.
No amount of logic, love, science, or humanity can change that fact.

No matter how many times your son meekly asks for your attention, shoo him away. Hanging out in the garage getting drunk with your deadbeat friends is more fun anyway.

Go on a yearly fishing trip,
and when your son asks to accompany you, say no and tell him ‘maybe next year’.
Repeat every year until he finally stops asking.

Make sure to constantly hold money over the heads of your family,
making your son feel guilty for eating.
That won’t cause him to develop life-long anorexia or anything, don’t worry.

Do your damnedest to drill your hateful beliefs into the head of your child,
maybe knowing it’s a sin will make him stop being gay.

Go out of your way for every employee, cover every shift,
stay out of the house as long as possible.
You get to wear your happy face while at work,
that face isn’t allowed at home.

Tell your son that he’s a freak of nature, call him sick, tell him he’s a useless dependent when he’s 10,
that will make him feel empowered to work harder…probably.

Lay down in the chair in a main room of the house, despite having a bedroom, and yell at the entire family when they’re laughing at a movie down the hall because they woke you.

When your son is raped by his girlfriend in 6th grade,
laugh and congratulate him on the “score”.

Be passionate about the political view that you get from a single TV channel,
scream your views as if they matter.
Maybe the government will hear you through the microwave
and be touched that you care so much.

Preach your holy book at him as if your son hasn’t read it more times
than you’ve ever even touched it.

Laugh at your son when you find him crying after the murder of a dear friend,
it’ll totally convince him to “man up and get over it”.

Make sure to make it as hard as possible for your son to leave when he’s two decades old and wanting to go to university to get a degree
you told him his whole life that he’d be useless without.

Hold the fact that he needs you to cosign a student loan for him over his head
in a despicable last attempt at grasping onto your sick control.

Feel threatened by him,
I’m sure he has all the fighting spirit in the world to face you
after being smashed under your hunting boot his entire life.

What is another punched hole in the wall, in the grand scheme of things?
Just hang another piece of art over it, that fixed all the others.

Rip your family apart,
I don’t know why you’d want to do this, but maybe it’ll be fun or something?

~~~~

                 There are many more lessons you have presented me with, but if I were to name them all, we’d be here a long while. Though, I do wish to share one more,

-Be absolutely nothing like you.-

It may not be the lesson you wanted to teach me, dear dad, but it is the lesson I learned.

-Best Regards, your son, Bulletproof-

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4 thoughts on “Dear, Dad

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  1. Oh Bulletproof, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you had to live with a man like this; I had to live with a man much like this myself, and it’s hell, and I wouldn’t want anyone else, even my enemies, to have to live in a hell like that. I’m so glad you learned the final lesson, the one he never intended to teach you. I learned that lesson myself. Every day I strive to avoid the power trips that I’ve been taught to emulate, to avoid the anger and the rigidity and the aversion to questioning or constructive criticism or emotion. Every day I fight to remind myself that I am human, allowed to feel and breathe, allowed to take up space, that I deserve justice for what happened in the barn when I was seven, that I am not an inconvenience, that I am not fat like he said I was, that I am not worthless like almost every action of his said. I hope you’re able to keep fighting these battles too, and to keep winning them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really want to say something, words of comfort. But I don’t know what to say. I just wish you’ve found or will find happiness and healing soon. You’ve been through a lot, and deserve this at least. And yes, like the blog says, you are not alone.

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  3. Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of courage. I have also been through some of these events. I do hope that you have people that are there for you, to listen, to show you love and encouragement to pursue the life you deserve. Hang in there, I have no doubt you won’t be anything like your past.
    -Carla

    Like

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