Mohare Dalamira: A glimpse into the past, and the future

Trigger warning: This post has a brief mention of depression.

“These days I have major mood swings. Stress and depression are the main moods I’m feeling. I hate feeling so goddamn miserable. I’m feeling quite scared. Whenever I’m thinking of certain people I feel as though I’m being caged in, blood thirsty predators surrounding me. Then I get panic attacks. In one way, I want school to start, but I also dread it. I need to get these feelings out of me. I need to write them down, to explain. But how? Okay, well firstly, I feel threatened by certain people. I feel as though they are against me.”

This was a passage from my old teenage diary. I was sixteen then.

I wanted to share it because rereading my old diary really hit hard. Why? Because it’s hard proof of the change I endured, from who I used to be, to who I am now. I don’t really journal anymore, I’ve stopped feeling the need to constantly document my life.

Why?

Because I’ve started living it. I’ve stopped being so scared of people, and embraced the world. I’ve stopped fearing the future and take each day as it comes.

And while this is my very first post, and it’s meant to be introductory. I feel like showing you a part of me, a part of my past is the best way to introduce myself. Telling you all how I’m usually hyperactive, love making jokes and being with friends is superficial. It’s what’s under the surface that matters.

To finish, I just want to say to you all that no matter how much you don’t believe it, you’ve grown. You’re not the same person as your past self. And if you feel like you want to improve yourself, you want to grow, do it! Right now, you can decide to be a different person. You don’t have to wait for the sun to rise, for the start of a new day, or for the sun to set on today.

You can become reborn,

Right

Now.

Love,

Nuur El Huda

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11 thoughts on “Mohare Dalamira: A glimpse into the past, and the future

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  1. I can relate to this. I'm so glad you're embracing the world and living, fully. You have such a big heart, my dear, and you always make me smile when I see a new post or message. Even though we might not appear similar on the surface, in location, or even in beliefs, I think we are very similar types of human beings. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Also I love your posts/messages, especially hearing funny or interesting things about your day. And I’m glad you feel that way, I do too.

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  2. Welcome at long last, dear. I’m SO thrilled to have finally read your first post! I relate so much to that feeling of accomplishment when you look back at your past and realize how far you’ve come since then. That’s part of why I love journaling so much. I can always look back at where I’ve come from and imagine where I’m going. For me, it doesn’t prevent my truly living. Actually, it rather helps with it. When I journal, I can sort out what I’m actually thinking as opposed to my mind continuously running in circles and never really figuring out what I’m going to do or where I’m headed in my life. It’s usually when I stop writing out my thoughts that my living slows.

    Lovely first post, dear! I look forward very much to reading more of your work. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I really enjoyed writing this post and look forward to both reading other people’s posts and writing my own. Yes! There’s no better feeling than noticing how much you’ve grown as a person, and seeing what you have achieved whether in the sense of work, education or succeeding in your person life (like how I learnt to be more social). That’s really interesting how we’re opposites. And I can see where you’re coming from. I sometimes like to write down my thoughts but not to the extent where I would document my day (which is essentially what I used to do, even when I didn’t feel like it). And that’s why I felt like it made me stop living.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is such an amazing feeling. Like you, one of the areas I’ve had to grow in was my social life. I used to be really good at socializing with others, but then that ability seemingly disappeared after a move, so I’ve had to gradually relearn how to interact well with others. After a few years, I’m finally doing much better, and it really is such a good feeling.

        I can see where you’re coming from too. In my journaling I don’t write down everything that happened in my day like you did, though. It’s mostly just my thoughts and how they sometimes relate to my day. I do see how chronicling everything could make you feel like you’ve stopped living, though. I’m glad you are finally living again. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s such an odd, almost confusing feeling to go back and read journal entries. I miss the slow, incremental change as it’s happening–only with years behind me can I see the contrast between what I was then and what I am now. That contrast gives me hope for the future. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. @ossuaryg I completely agree with you, you’ve described how I feel rereading old diaries perfectly. And thank you, I’m glad you liked my post ❤

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