Trigger warning: This post contains a moderate discussion of anorexia and an extensive discussion of rape.

Your body is claustrophobic, self. Your day is claustrophobic.

Only. Ever. Ashes for dinner.

Snow in your basement hole, ozone outside.

Drowse and dream of outtakes.

Wake, wash, rinse, repeat.

Still the dirt, the hands.

Attempt food, attempt words.

You are made of calories, every ounce of you.

The lights are snagged fingernails. Sound is a drill bit.

Yelling in your cavern head?

This is your pennance. You are the guilty one, little seven-year-old you, for not heeding warning chimes.

Worthless, self, you are worthless. You are not a person, anymore. That is what gets taken.

No justice, my dear, for you. Only memories of straw, of swinging door, of do not—oh God—do not go in there.

Stupid. Stupid. Self.

Self, I’m sorry, self. Let me go back and fix it. Grab the magic erasor, the water—and scrub. I’ll take it away, I promise. In this space, for you, one minus one will equal one.

Remove the wallpaper, paint over the words: IT’S STILL THERE UNDERNEATH.

Oh God.

It didn’t happen once, you say, memory makes it happen a dozen times, a hundred.

Tell me he doesn’t live happy with this stolen bit of you, self. Tell me there are prison bars inside. Tell me he doesn’t get to walk free, post inspirational quotes, give talks on forgiveness he never asked.

No anger, you say, you cannot be angry.

Don’t you think this makes God angry?

You want to throw tables.

God threw tables.




4 thoughts on “Half

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  1. Oh my stars.

    You write so magnificently, my dear…

    That is something I have learned… That being angry about something that is Wrong, is not a sin – in some cases being NOT angry about something that is Wrong is the sin.

    We were not commanded to not be angry – we were commanded to BE angry and not to sin. But as usual, we had to one-up God, right?

    You are loved, you know that, right? Maybe not by the people who ought to have loved you, but you are loved. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, my dear.

      I spent so long feeling sinful for being angry at sin and being sinned against, and it only made it worse. I spent so long being taught to just take things, accept them, force myself to forget if I had to.

      We so often ignore the spirit of what God intends, and we put safeguards around safeguards around safeguards, so we’re fenced in so far back that the sin we’re scared of is miles away and we’ve pushed ourselves into the backyard of another sin.

      ❤ I'm still trying to get that to sink into my brain.


  2. Hey sweetie, I seem to be echoing people a lot recently, but what Butterfly Emergent is so right. You are loved. So very, very loved. And all of us here stand with you.

    And also like she said, it is okay, even good, to be angry sometimes. We all get like that. I know I do. Not often, but it happens, and when it does, it hurts. It’s a muscle I don’t use often, I suppose. So don’t feel bad for feeling angry, love. You’ll work through it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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