Lighten Up Dude

“Would it kill you to lighten up?”

I hear those words more often than I’d like to admit, with my keen ability to turn every topic morbid or sad. Though I promise I’m actually a really happy person. It may be hard to believe, considering the content of my previous posts. But if you met me, you’d probably see a socially terrified young man in a tie, staring at the ground or catching Pokemon on his cellphone. Really I’m the kind of person who stops to take pictures of flowers, who enjoys romantic comedy anime, loves on kitties, doodles ice cream in class, and paints pictures of the starry night sky. My favorite anime consist of: one about a swim team, one about a 7-year-old detective, and one about pastry baking and fairies.

I write clean, fuzzy, upbeat gay romance books, and draw all my cute couples. I love owls and collect things related to them to display along side my art and anime figures. There is a rainbow flag proudly taped to my wall, my bed covered in stuffed animals. I like to needle felt and make small little fuzzy creatures to give to people. I’m not just a needlessly dark, outwardly tortured soul of anger and atheism.

Honestly I’m kind of just a socially scared twerp who stands at five foot and likes rainbows and cute things.

Recently I moved out of my unsavory home situation, to a city far larger than mine, to chase dreams and have adventures. It was one of the biggest choices of my life, and so far (a whole two weeks in) I’m enjoying it. I have freedom to walk anywhere, to get on public transport and travel about the city. I can share things with friends on social media and feel like I can breathe easy. I love it, so far. But with new places comes the lack of friends issue.

Up until today, I had attended five social events and been an utter failure at each. Whether shyness got the better of me, or people flat out didn’t acknowledge me, it was a struggle. People also did everything in their power to not sit next to me in class, going as far as to scoot their chair away from me. Unsure of what I’m doing wrong, I’m just left to sit there and stare at the table before me as if I didn’t notice. So it was all pretty disheartening, trying so hard but having it end up as it always does.

But today I did a lot, like the amount of stuff I’d normally do in a month. So with that lengthy preface, I want to tell you about today.

Today was a late start, only by a half hour or so, but it wasn’t a lovely beginning tone. I rushed to get ready, to eat and whatnot. I’ve managed to eat every meal each day since moving here and that’s a major accomplishment for me. I was a few minutes late to my class because the elevator decided to take nearly ten minutes to eventually make it up to me on the ninth floor. It must have been having fun, bouncing around all the other stories before making it to mine. The lecture was very interesting and I enjoyed it a lot, sketching out my comic for the next assignment.

Then, beating my inner demon telling me to leave and go back to my dorm to do nothing, I stuck after class to ask the professor something. She’s a film professor, so I asked if there was a film club since I couldn’t seem to find it anywhere. She took me down to the department and I was told to come back later when the head of the film projects was in.

So I returned to my dorm, made food, then opened my email to see that the tour guide company I had reached out to had replied to me. They are having auditions in May for tour guides. My dream profession is being a ghost tour guide along side being an author. They said I could audition for them then.

After that I posted, on a whim, a few beta calls for a book of mine. A beta is a read before publication that someone does of a work to help the writer improve it. The last time I called for that work, no one really seemed interested. But this time I ended up with five different readers, which blew my mind.

Then it was time to go to the film club and I was all breeds of nervous about that. But they welcomed me kindly and jumped at the opportunity to have me join them. They got me all set up and talked with me for a couple hours. I really hope I do a good job for them. Soon they are holding auditions for a feature film they’re doing this summer so I’m going to try out for that. They also may allow me on their documentary team and let me make films about haunted places in the area.

That is all very exciting for me, if I do things right I may get to kick off the things I want to do in life. Between the ghost tour auditions, the film auditions, the beta readers, and a few other cool things I’m running out of room to ramble about, I’m hopefully setting up nice things for the not so distant future. I’m also staring to get along better with my dorm roommate who is turning out to be quite an endearing man, I do like him a lot.

The disorder I often write about is always there, of course, and today it was especially loud. But I’m not going to let its negative intentions stain the awesomeness that today was. Today I did things, today I ate, today I walked a lot, today I took steps forward, today I woke up, and today, I was a victorious villain. Today is drawing to a close and I am tired and worn, but today was worth the effort.

So please, dear reader, when my next post plunges back into less than happy topics, do remember that the person over here at the keyboard sleeps with a teddy bear and really just wants to be friends with lady bugs and look at the stars.

-Love Bulletproof-


4 thoughts on “Lighten Up Dude

Add yours

  1. Oh, dearest, you made me laugh — again. 🙂 Clever you, making the Butterfly laugh.

    I’m so happy for you! I love that you had such a good day yesterday and that you’re going so many places and doing things. The Butterfly is cheering for you, don’t forget that. ❤

    PS: I also sleep with a teddy bear. And an elephant. And my blankie.


  2. I’m so happy you had a great day! Getting a late start can be stressful, so I’m glad you were able to recover from that, much less get a great deal done, win battles against your mind, and feel happy. Thank you for sharing this with us! 🙂


  3. Ahhh, I’m so glad you had such a good day, friend! Yay for getting into the film club and getting beta readers and working toward your goals! I knew you’d make some friends. How many do you have toward your college friend quota now?

    Also, I kind of grinned when you mentioned that you like felting. My aunt has made me several things by felting, one of them a super adorable little cactus guy, another one a Santa, and then most recently a super awesome water dragon! I keep thinking I want to learn sometime, but I just haven’t gotten to it yet. Who knows, though, maybe I’ll be able to this summer! Only one more week until I’m finally done with this semester! *half-exhausted awkward happy dance*


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