Trigger Warning – intensive discussion of suicidal thoughts
The Day You Said No
I remember the scene so clearly
I wanted you to let me go.
I’d distanced myself from everyone else,
my entire family, all the rest of my friends,
and I wanted you to go away too.
You said no.
I tried to push you away, to break the connection,
but you wouldn’t move.
You idiot, I thought then, you stupid little idiot!
I didn’t care how much I hurt myself,
but no matter what, I wouldn’t hurt you.
If I gave up living, it would hurt you,
because you wouldn’t move.
You wouldn’t distance yourself from me.
No matter what I did to myself, I could never hurt you.
You beautiful, stupid, foolish, amazing, stubborn, annoying boy.
You said no.
I couldn’t argue with that because there was nothing to hold on to.
You said no.
There was not hesitation, no rough edges, no anger or fear.
You simply said no.
You said no, and I collided with a brick wall standing
between me and two steps to oblivion.
I don’t know if you know how close I was that day,
when you did something you’ve never done in your life,
and you told me no.
I don’t think you know how close to the edge I was when you said no.
And because no matter what I did to myself, I wouldn’t hurt you,
I slammed at full force into the brick wall that was you.
I wanted to hate you.
I wanted to scream that you were being mean,
as the tidal wave I had been running from crashed over me and I almost drowned.
I was running off the edge so I wouldn’t drown, you know,
because it was too much.
And instead I ran into you.
And the tidal wave ran into me.
And somehow you didn’t move even under that force.
You still said no.
You still held my hand and wouldn’t let me go.
I don’t know how you managed it
and I pray to God you never have to do that again.
But you saved me that day,
the day you said no.
Dearest, I don’t know what you’re going through but I do know that the sun will rise again. I’ve been to the edge and I’ve stared over it. I’ve been there.
And there was someone there for me, who wouldn’t distance himself from me. Because of him, I am here, almost three years later, and I’m happy. I’m healing. I’m still alive and I’m still fighting and I’m still loving.
And it’s good, this place I’m at. It’s not the end of my journey, by any means, not the end of my fight, but it is good.
I didn’t think that was possible for someone like me. I thought that my mistakes were the end of me. And they were really just the beginning of the me that is now. I’m brave now. Happy. Loving. I have bad days, sometimes more bad days than good days, but I’m still fighting.
And all because someone told me no. No, he wasn’t going to stop being my friend. No, he wasn’t going to let me go.
Please don’t go, dearest. It gets better. It really does. It may take weeks or months or years but it will get better. Keep fighting for the light. For the truth. For the good. It will come.
I believe in you.
~Love, Butterfly Emergent~