I Am Inadequate.

Trigger warning: brief mention of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Not so long ago, I stood hopeful, on the brink of a new project meant to bring hope to many lonely souls.  I breathed the fresh air of life, relearning what it meant to live.  I held my head in the confidence that I was part of something beautiful, something big.  That my life would truly make a difference for someone.

Now I see that dream taking off.  I see so many working towards that amazing end, and half of me thrills at the sight.

The other half stiffens in fear, because I had not realized.

I had not realized how inadequate I am.

I had not realized how very small and insignificant my story is in comparison to the stories those that have joined me.  I told others joining me that it doesn’t matter if their story isn’t “impressive,” if it isn’t one of massive struggle, pulling themselves out of extraordinary pain into a new, thriving life.  And I still believe that.

For them.

But for me, I am not certain.  I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what I could possibly have to offer.  What have I overcome?  I have a good life.  I have always had a good life, though there have been times enough when I have not recognized it.  I have a wonderful family.  I am pretty.  I am smart.  I have all the opportunities in the world.

But I am not the sort of person you look at and think, “There.  There is someone that will truly change the world.”

Because people that change the world are not people like me.  Not people that have everything handed to them.  Not people that are born to easy situations.

People that change the world have to struggle to do so.  They fight not only for their own good, but for the good of everyone around them.  They rise from the worst possible situations and learn to shine brightly, a beacon for everyone around them.

I am not one of those people.  I have not had to fight.  Or, if I have, my fight has not been like the fights of those around me.  The other authors here stand tall, strong in their brokenness.

Meanwhile, I stand in their shadows.

I could dig back in my past to unearth something that might come close, something that might make my story inspiring.  Like the time we moved, and I broke.  Like the times my insecurity held onto me so hard I could barely breathe.  Like the time when I, for no reason I knew of then or now, flirted with the idea of taking my life, never telling anyone about it.

But what are those to me now?  I am healed.  The pain from those times are nothing but distant memories.  I no longer struggle with them.  And though I consider it, I debate over whether I should speak of them.  After all, if they are so far in the past for me and no longer hurt, why should I dredge up the past?  Why should I reopen old wounds?

But then, mightn’t talking about it help someone?  Do I even remember well enough to speak about it accurately?  Does speaking about it necessarily mean opening up old wounds?  Can I not portray my healing alongside it?

What about the present?  There are things in the present I experience as well, things that are worth noting.  Things that are worth delving into.  Should I ignore those at the expense of my past?

At the same time, my present is often dull.  I chafe against the daily grind, wishing for times when I felt things more intensely, more deeply, be those feelings good or bad.  Some days I would give anything to feel something other than my normal feelings.

I suppose it just comes down to balance.  Balance.  That elusive art of keeping opposing parts of my life equal.  Would that I was better at it.  But what else can I do but try?

But thing is, even though I know I must learn this balance, learn to enhance my writing and use it to tell my story, I almost want to hold onto this insecurity.  I want to hold onto it because, when my life seems to pale in comparison to those around me, an insecurity over not struggling might be enough to justify my being here on this blog.

And I know that’s not true.  The things I’ve been through are not nothing, even though I’ve healed so completely that they no longer hurt me.  If anything, it gives me a reason to be here, to show that such things can be overcome, that a full life can be led after them.

But oh, holding on is so tempting. Because I am afraid.

Afraid that, without a current struggle, I will be no good to anyone.  To you, my dear reader.  And that is the last thing I want.

Please, please, don’t let me be useless to you.  I promise I will do my best by you.  I will do everything I can to help you.  I will show you you are loved.

Because, even if my scars are old and faded, even if my story is not as impressive as others, I have learned well how to love.  Through the remnants of my brokenness, I will love, and I will listen, even when I do not know what to say.  Perhaps this is the very reason I have grown up as I have: that I might learn to love well enough to show that love to others.

With all the love I can offer,

Beautiful Blackwater.

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10 thoughts on “I Am Inadequate.

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  1. Dearest, never believe that you are not enough. We didn’t ask for the life we have and I for one, if I had the choice, would much rather have passed on this hand of cards in favor of an easier one to play. But one thing I have learned is not to belittle the other’s struggles. Dearest, this world is hard. Allowing yourself to be open at all, to be vulnerable at all… that is no mean feat. My love, you are so brave and loving, and it is only because you encouraged me to do so that I have shared any of my story. ❤ Even if you feel like you cannot help others (which you can) you need to know that you have helped me, to maybe be able to help others.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much, Butterfly Emergent. You’re right, opening up is hard, but… for me, not so hard as I expected. At times, I think I lose sight of how difficult it really is, how difficult it used to be. How much I really have grown since beginning this journey. At times, I’m foolish enough to think that maybe I need some great calamity to befall me so I actually have something to say. Of course, I know that isn’t true. That’s the last thing I need. I know I already have a voice. I just have to keep using it.

      I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me, dear. Having been able to make a difference for you is so huge. I’m so thankful to have you here with me, encouraging others. Even if I’m not able to help that many, having been able to help you help others makes all of this worth it. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh, honey ❤ Everyone has a story. Everyone's story is important. People experience different things at all times of their lives. You have a story. It takes courage to share that story and I'm so thankful that you've decided to ❤ You ARE beautiful and strong, and your story is going to help many people, like myself.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh Beautiful, you are more inspiring than you may ever realize. Some of us have had to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, yes, but I argue that you are equally impressive because you have so much and are refusing to squander it. So many people only fight when given pain as incentive–so many people without pain do not fight. The fact that you do not need pain to blossom is inspiration to those who might let apathy win. You are more than welcome here, my dear, your past, your present, and your future.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, love. ❤ I don't know that I quite qualify as "equally impressive," but you're quite right… Apathy itself is incredibly difficult to overcome without pain forcing us to do so. And even though it took me several years to learn how to blossom without its stimulus, I'm glad for those years in retrospect. It was both a time of healing and preparation for me. If I hadn't withdrawn to the internet, if I hadn't met so many lovely people there, if I hadn't joined certain groups at certain times, I wouldn't be where I am today. Even "unimpressive" times can be used for something beautiful. Thank you for reminding me of this. Your words are a great encouragement to me. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  4. You are definitely enough ❤ I used to think the same about my story, especially when it came to giving testimonies in church, but the fact that you have come through, and healed, is inspiring in itself. And look how much you have accomplished, pulling this blog together. All the love you can offer is more than enough ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I saw the title of this and worried that what I read was to follow. I don’t wish for you to feel inadequate, you are not. Without you none of us would be here together. You have put in so much effort and time to make this work, to gather and juggle us, to make this live and a thing. You are beyond wise, kind, understanding, none of those things come even close to inadequacy.

    You, as you said, are a picture of someone who has overcome their internal wars. That it can be done. And pain is only relative to each individual’s experience, so just because your pain has been different than that of another, that doesn’t make it any less real. It hurt you, but you have overcome and are still here.

    You are here to speak to people like you, to show that they aren’t alone either. There are others who feel they are invalid compared to the struggles of others, and that insecurity is quite one to wrestle. Though you’re not invalid, not inadequate, and I hope your time here with this wonderful project you’ve brought to life helps you see that.

    Not everyone can relate to someone like me, some can, but a lot can’t. But the same goes for you. Some can relate with you, other’s won’t. Everything you do here will resonate with someone, somehow.

    Thank you for starting this, thank you for having the bravery to start this, thank you for having the conviction to follow through, and thank you for sharing yourself with us.

    You are a valuable part of us here, I hope I can help you see that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey friend, so sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. Life is crazy and busy and full of schoolwork. Gotta say I’m so ready for my semester to be done. 😛

      I just want to say how incredibly much your words mean to me. They hit home the first time I read them, and they hit home again, so very deeply. It can be hard to believe that I am adequate when my time here has been so scarce recently, and it’s hard to find the same fire I had when I started this thing. Thank you for reminding me that my presence here counts. Thank you for reminding me that my voice matters. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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