Trigger warning: This post contains an extensive discussion of abuse.
Life was a blur of pain, colors flashing before my eyes as I battled between life and death.
Black was the darkness that threatened to consume my soul.
Blue was the gripping sadness that my father no longer loved me.
Red was the blood dripping down my arms.
Yellow was the smile that I forced upon my face.
Silver was the tiny chance of escape. It didn’t burn as bright as the rest of the colors. It wasn’t overwhelming or threatening like everything else. But it was different so I held onto it. I held onto that little piece of silver so tight until the black, blue, red, and yellow faded into the background.
My life became a beautiful explosion of silver gems the night that I left. Despite the pain, in that night alone, I knew that something beautiful was coming about, and now I can replace those colors with something else.
Black is the backdrop to the stars that I can see every night at my new home.
Blue is my favorite color. It is the color of my new bedspread and my mermaid tail blanket.
Red decorates the sky at night, and I am now relieved to know that after rest I will wake up in the morning.
Yellow has become the sunshine that I no longer dread seeing.
My name is The Vagabond Dreamer, and I am here to help you find the silver that is buried on your canvas full of colors of pain. I am here to help you embrace that silver and replace your painful colors with colors of light and happiness.
Sometimes all you need to change your life is just someone believing in you, and I want you to know that I do believe in you. If someone as fearful and shy as I am can leave a bad situation, I can guarantee you that you can too.
So, if you’re reading this you probably are wondering what I escaped from.
The short answer: abusive parents.
The long answer: you will find out as you continue getting to know me better.
Abuse can crush one’s soul, and if you are where I was you may know exactly what I am talking about…. But you may also have no clue, because a huge aspect of abuse is manipulation and gaslighting. In almost every case of abuse the victim will constantly doubt that it is abuse because that is what abusers do. If they didn’t make you doubt everything about yourself then they have to accept that they are the wrong ones, and an abuser is too pathetic to take responsibility for what they do.
Let me expand a bit on why I am writing on this blog. That way you’ll know what kind of posts to expect from me, and get to know me a bit better in the process.
1.) I am here to help you recognize signs of abuse. This can be the hardest part sometimes, because, especially if you grew up with it, it can be really hard to see that what the person is doing to you is not normal or okay. I want to help you be able to recognize the signs in everything from family to boyfriends to friends. A toxic person is not just limited to a parent or boyfriend, and it is important to be away from people like that.
2.) I am here to help you find the resources you need to leave a situation like that. It can be really easy to feel trapped once you are in a situation like that, but what so many people do not realize is that there are options. There are ways to escape. Life can be so much better.
3.) I am here to try to help you cope with the PTSD, anxiety, and depression that often comes from these situations. I am just at the beginning of my journey of healing, but I want to let you know what I’ve learned along the way. I am by no means a professional but maybe something that I stay will stick and you’ll be able to benefit from it.
4.) I am here because I love to write. I have always loved to write, but now more than ever I am just so entirely in love with it. I write for this blog, for a magazine, and for myself. I am currently writing a memoir on all of the craziness that I went through, but I am also working on a fiction project. I just love to write.
5.) I want you to know that you are not alone. I grew up thinking that I was crazy for feeling what I was feeling. I felt so broken. I felt like I was so messed up, but…it turns out that there are so many people who have gone through the same thing. No matter what it is, no matter how crazy it may seem, you are not the only one who feels the way you feel.
You are not alone.
The Vagabond Dreamer