Who am I?

Trigger warning: This post has a moderate discussion of suicide, and a brief mention of depression.

 

Who am I?

I always find that question to be a hard one, because I guess I see myself as many things. My first thoughts are all positive, seeming to revolve around my many passions and the things I love to do:

I am a Christian- a sister in Christ and lover of God’s word.

I am a musician- a viola advocate and piano enthusiast.

I am a writer- stringing words together to create the imaginary worlds in which I live.

I am a dancer- letting the music take me away.

I am also a friend, a sister and a daughter, an optimist, a lover of adventure, an organisation fanatic, a perfectionist, a hopeless romantic…

But who I really am is not only to do with the good, but also with the bad. We are all products of our interactions with others, and while I have some incredible, incredible friends and family, I have been hurt time and time again by others who did not even realise they were doing so.

As I mentioned only a few sentences ago, I am an optimist and I like to see the good in everyone and everything. I am someone who loves deeply and completely. As with my many passions in life, I find someone or something I love and I give my whole self to them. I would do anything for someone I care about, but with loving deeply comes hurting deeply. And despite pain, tears and broken friendships, I kept caring and kept loving. Even when my brain told me to lock my heart away and stop reaching out to people, my heart wouldn’t listen.

Last year, I started university, and at Uni, I made some friend, friends with whom I clicked immediately. One friend in particular was a blue-haired girl who loved as deeply and as widely as I did. She became a sister to me. Unfortunately, she had been fighting with anxiety and depression for years, and in October of 2016, she lost the fight, taking her own life.

I have to say that her passing was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, and in dark moments, I thought that if I had not loved her as much, I would not have been in as much pain. But in the months that have gone by, I have grown a lot, and I have realised that she was a beautiful light in my world and she changed me to become a better person, and I only wish that she could still be around to see her friends grow into beautiful adults.

Why am I telling you this, you might wonder.

Her passing is now a part of my story, because it was one of the first times I felt true loss, and yes, others have lost more than I have, but it does not make the pain any easier to deal with.

I want you to know that if you have lost a friend to suicide, you are not alone.

And I’m not saying that because it is the mantra of this blog, I really mean it. I joined this blog because I believe it is an important message, because feeling alone and isolated is among the worst things in the world, and no one should ever be stuck in a place where they feel like there is no one they can reach out to. I have been in a lot of painful and dark places in my life. I have anxiety and chronic back pain that often knocks me to the ground, but it is important to get back up and keep going. The pain I have gone through has become a part of my story.

Looking back, not only the past few months, but also on my life, I am glad that I stayed open to others, because I still have some amazing friends who love me as much as I love them. My friends are what make life worth it, and looking back, I can see that even though there are dark days, there are wonderfully bright days too.

Who am I?

I am a survivor.

Live for the good days, live for the sunshine and the flowers and the beauty of nature, live for the smiles and the laughter and the friendships, because I assure you, friend, they will be here someday.

Love, Moondancer.

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9 thoughts on “Who am I?

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  1. Dearest, I’m so sorry you lost your friend. I wish there was a way I could take your pain for you, if only for a day, so you would be able to breathe free from it.

    You are so beautiful for seeing the good mixed in with the bad, the reasons to survive. Please always keep fighting entropy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. ❤ It gets easier every day and while we can't replace her, our friend group has become so much closer and we are all there to support each other through everything.
      Sometimes keeping positive is the only way through. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Moondancer, I am so sorry you lost your friend. Though I’ve never lost someone like that, I can empathize with the pain, because there have been times when I’ve been afraid that I would lose a friend to suicide as well. I pray that I will never have to face that pain, and that you never will have to again.

    I also relate to the urge to withdraw and stop loving others, but being unable to. I just want to say, though, that just because you love someone as well and as hard as you can and they still sink deeper into depression or anxiety, or even take their life doesn’t mean that you did something wrong. In the end, it’s always their choice, and it’s just up to us to do everything we can to give them a reason to stay alive. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ❤
      That was something I struggled with for a long time after her passing, but, while there are still hard days, in the last few months I've come to a point of acceptance with that particular struggle- that it wasn't our fault and we didn't do anything wrong. We loved her as much as we could.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Moondancer, thank you for sharing your story so far and I look forward to seeing more of your lovely words. My deepest condolences go out to you in the wake of the loss of your friend. I too have lost people to that and truly wish you didn’t have to know that pain.

    Your ideal of loving no matter what s a glorious one and I can only hope that you will continue to spread that light to the world, it really needs it.

    Like

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