Introducing Butterfly Emergent

Trigger Warning: Brief Mentions of Abuse, Death, and Suicidal Thoughts

 

My life so far has been marked by things that hurt me; by things that broke my heart and shattered my soul and crushed my spirit; by things that made me doubt who I was. Things that made me doubt my own worth and value and importance.

 

 

I was seventeen before I found my voice and learned to say no. I was seventeen before I understood that I was a human being with the right to my own body and my own voice and my own life. I was seventeen before I understood that there was a reason I was so emotional and messed up. I was seventeen before I realized that I was allowed to grieve. I was seventeen before I began the metamorphosis that has brought me to where I am today, a tall, confident, radiant woman with a mind and voice of her own.

 

I was seventeen when I agreed to try this thing called life again – to give it another shot. At least this time I knew I might get hurt. I walked into it with my eyes wide open.

 

When I was little, no one told me that it wasn’t my fault. No one told me that it was okay to be angry. No one told me that it was okay to disagree with the things I was taught when I was little and that it was okay to learn things for myself and that it was okay to grow up and be my own person. It took one incredible woman with an bottomless tissue box and a stuffed bear perfect for hugging to death while sobbing violently; three years of fighting; and hundreds upon hundreds of cups of tea before I reached the point I am at now.

 

butterfly-44881

 

Panic attacks were regular. Migraines, induced by stress, were a weekly thing that I just had to learn to cope with. Ocular migraines were a new and exquisite form of torture. I went through a fairly horrifying weight gain when I was a teen. I reached the end of my rope and I was ready to just stop living, because for me, living meant loving – and loving hurt too much. Everything hurt too much, I was drowning in all the things that had happened, all the things I had done wrong, all the things that hurt. That was all I could see and it hurt too much. I was never at risk of taking my own life but there were times when I wished some disaster would fall on me and I would get space, I would get free from the hell in my head. I never went that far to make it happen myself because there was someone in my life who was too damn stubborn to let go of me. I wouldn’t – couldn’t – hurt him and he was too stubborn to back off and distance himself from the nuclear time bomb that was me.

 

 

I had to decide.

 

Was I going to love, even though it would mean risking getting hurt again? Was I going to be open and free and bright, or was I going to spend the rest of my life squished into a miserable little cocoon that was never designed to be a permanent residence, only a temporary shelter in very rough storms?

 

I chose to love.

 

butterfly-498606

 

I’ve chosen it every time.

 

And now I can find the high points in my life too. I can remember dancing with my adopted brother, being held in his arms and swung in circles until we were both dizzy. I can remember curling up and snuggling with my friend and watching movies for hours. I can remember singing to my childhood friend, who was confined to a wheelchair with some disability that I don’t remember the name of because I was six when she died. I can remember her laugh and I remember the soft halo of curls all around her head. I don’t only remember her death, anymore. I can remember her life and her love. And I can remember all the love I gave and all the love that was given to me, and I can remember the warmth of my grandmother’s breath in my ear as she leaned over me to put a puzzle piece in. I can remember throwing snowballs at my brothers and I can remember leaving my plastic spider on the sink in the bathroom for my mother to find (she hates spiders and I adore them). I can remember standing in the back yard and laughing because there was absolutely nothing else that could be done but that.

 

Things are balanced now. I can see light and darkness, I can see white and black, I can see grey and rainbows. I can hear bird songs and thunder. I can be angry and be so full of love that I’ll explode if I don’t yell something to the four corners of the earth. I can see death and weep while rejoicing that there was a life there to be lost.

 

I don’t know what you’re going through, but I can tell you this: it’s all going to be worth it.

 

Someday.

 

I know this. Because my someday is here. It is worth it to get up every morning and it is worth it to love, because man alive – I get to love like nobody’s business. I throw love around like it’s glitter and going out of style.

 

beach-193786

 

I didn’t get here overnight. It took me three years of blood, sweat, tears, tears, and a few more tears just for good measure, before I got here. It was slow. It was gradual. It was step after step after step. It was hard and sometimes I wanted to give up.

 

But I didn’t.

 

I went through my metamorphosis and I emerged from my cocoon and I’m here, spreading my wings. I have arrived at a definitive point of my life and it.is.so.good. The journey isn’t over but I’ve made it to here and here is good.

 

If you get one thing from my words, I want it to be the thing that I wish I had been told more often when I was younger:

 

You are loved.

 

You are radiant.

 

You are worthy of adoration.

 

You may be screwed up worse than my dad’s drawers of nails and screws and bolts, but that does not change the fact that you are a human being and that as such you have priceless worth.

 

That does not change the fact that you are loved.

 

That’s the thing about love – it’s really big. There’s a lot of it, and it’s all over the place.

 

You are loved.

 

daisy-712898

 

 

 

~Love, Butterfly Emergent~

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Introducing Butterfly Emergent

Add yours

  1. It moves me that you were willing to fight to get to where you are now. I’ve been in your shoes–am in your shoes today–in fearing to choosing love because of the hurt, yet wanting to choose it anyway. I can make no promises from personal experiences that it will not still hurt you from time to time, as I am facing a coming loss and fearing another, but I can still say that despite the pain of knowing time is limited, it helps to know that love is not.

    I am a little over a year out from a place of abuse and despair, and I am happy to be breathing clean air and scrubbing my thoughts anew, but I agree that it’s hard to stop treating yourself the way you were taught to treat yourself, and it’s hard to disagree with those you thought knew better than you. I still blame myself for things that have happened to me, and I still punish myself accordingly, so I think it’s important to remember that while you are choosing to love others, please don’t forget to choose to love yourself as well.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you, dearest. ❤

      It's kind of ironic that you would say that today, when this afternoon I had to wrestle with loss and choosing the right thing over the easy thing and the thing that would hurt less.

      Loving myself is a huge part of where I am now… to be covered in a later post. 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Butterfly Emergent, your story and words astound me. You’ve come through so much and have healed so beautifully. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve gone through to come to this point. You’re so strong and amazing.

    Your choice to love is such a brave one. I was told so many times going into this blog that I needed to be careful, because I could so easily get hurt. I know they’re right. It’s like you said, loving means being open, and being open means the possibility and even likelihood of being hurt. But, like you, I decided that it would be worth it. If some pain on my part means getting a part in the healing of others, it will be incredibly worth it. I keep finding that the more I try to help others, the more I really feel alive. I guess there’s more than one of us emerging from our cocoons. I think that, as we keep reading posts from the others, we’ll find that there are still more that are relearning how to live.

    Keep growing, Butterfly Emergent. Keep flying. Don’t ever stop using those wings of yours. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am so beyond thankful that I am bestowed the honor of knowing you.
    Really, truly, with all my heart.

    Your post made me feel allll the things and I’d really like to give you a hug, but alas distance is a thing. I am so happy you chose love. I have already been touched by this love and you are such a precious treasure. Please keep spreading your boundless love to the world, it is a brighter place because of it.

    I too believe in the elusive someday that things are better. I’m happy you’ve reached it and can grow and spread your vividly wonderful wings for us all to see.

    Your words have already touched me, I cannot wait to read more of your posts.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: